Finding A New Rhythm
The core mistake I make when I’m anxiously attached is trying to eliminate any possibility of separation or loss. I aim for constant togetherness and it backfires. I'm learning that healthy intimacy requires both approaching and withdrawing. Without both, there’s no sustainability.
Intimacy works as a rhythm: we connect, then we separate to process our own experience, self-regulate, and then we reconnect. Trying to block the “pulling apart” part makes the whole system brittle.
When something feels off, I don’t need to force reassurance. I need regulated space. The same tools I use in meditation apply here: notice the feeling, name it, allow it, and return to myself. I let my nervous system settle before I reach for the relationship to fix it.
Disconnection isn’t a failure - it’s part of intimacy. Constant closeness is a fantasy. Real love includes ebbs, triggers, and moments of loss. The task is to tolerate the distance without inventing catastrophe.
I also need to locate feelings in myself rather than in my partner. “I feel sad, I feel worried” is accurate. “You’re mad at me” is a guess, often a frightened one. From there, we can surface needs and boundaries and look for workable middle ground - like agreeing on texting frequency or response expectations.
Giving the relationship breathing room improves its chances. Refusing separation guarantees collapse. Over time, I practice the cycle: come together, pull apart, integrate, reconnect. That rhythm makes closeness deep, clear, and sustainable.