I Have Anxiety
I other-think, overanalyze, and catastrophize - it's always been the person I am. And when something stressful happens or could happen, my heart rate goes up, my mind won't stop running in every direction, and I can't sleep. Whatever is eating me up becomes all-consuming. I seek reassurance, escalate intensity, and perform progress to be seen.
And, on top of that, I feel undeserving of good things. Like at any moment good things will end and I have to work super hard to keep them around.
Recently, this combination has taken a toll on a very important personal relationship I hold to the point of bringing it to the brink, cruelly making the loss of a good thing a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I had no idea this was anxiety, or that I had an 'anxious attachment style' until just this week. I knew there was something wrong with me but I could never explain it well enough to have someone tell me what it was.
All I can do is try to address the root causes, manage my own stress better, and show up for those I love by not being a needy mess.
What I’m doing now
- Naming it. "Anxiety" and "anxious attachment" aren’t excuses but they're labels that help me see and understand the patterns. More than that they are well-documented patterns that help me work on them in a structured way.
- Body first. When my stress spikes, I'm trying to calm my nervous system immediately through breathing and mindfulness. It buys me a couple of minutes before reacting.
- Structured help. Weekly therapy, and medical support for the baseline reaction that makes everything feel urgent.
- Boundaries with my phone. Trying to look at it less. Drafting in Notes instead of sending. Most "urgent" messages don’t need to exist two hours later.
- Containing the mess. I'm taking big feelings to a journal, a friend, or my therapist before I take them to the person I love who I have exhausted.
- Doing, not talking. Less "Here’s how I’m working on myself" and more actually working on myself—quietly, consistently.
- Being ok with being by myself. Part of this was also underatinding that
What I’m trying to unlearn
- That closeness is earned by intensity. It isn’t. It’s earned by steadiness.
- That silence equals abandonment. Sometimes silence is space, and space is care.
- That love is a reassurance loop. Real love lets the other person breathe.
What I owe the people I love
- Fewer explanations, more regulation.
- Shorter messages, longer pauses.
- Curiosity about their day (or life) that isn’t a backdoor to talking about mine.
- The humility to accept their boundaries without making them about me.
None of this is easy and it's not tidy. I still wake up at 03:00 with a worried heart. I still write messages I don’t send. I still fail, then try again.
I'm just a human whose alarms are a little too sensitive. There’s help. There are tools. And the people who love me deserve to meet the version of me that can feel a lot without making them carry it.
I have anxiety. I'm learning what that means for the first time. I'm learning when my mind is writing a scary story and when to put the pen down. I'm learning to be someone who is easier to be with, by becoming someone who is easier to be.